Monday, June 9, 2008

1000 words?

They say a picture says a thousand words, but i can only think of one. FAT.


It looks like two of me. Is that REALLY what iI look like? Holy Macaroni! 

I am really appalled. I knew that i was slipping, but i looked like i dove head long into a bowl of pork rinds and ate my way out. That's it. I'm going skinny again!

I got a chance to get a good long look at my wife from a distance yesterday and man, oh man, does she ever look good. Everyone we talked to yesterday was mentioning how great she looked, and she does. She's been in the gym and eating right and all that stuff. Frankly, its embarrassing.

I've been battling mentally and physically to get to the point of making a decision and i finally have. I sat down last night and enjoyed a delicious snack and had a sense of excitement about getting up today. I don't feel like i've broken down any walls, more like i found the gate and walked thru. I know these things don't happen overnight and i really don't like fruit and healthy food bores me to tears, but i can't spend the rest of my life feeling like this. I have too much to accomplish in the short few years we get here on earth.

I have too much to live for.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Here we go Again...Again.

     So. Its been over one year since my opening post and I've accomplished absolutely nothing. Well, not nothing, but really nothing. I took a stab at YRG and i liked it. As a matter of fact, i took to it like a duck to water. I was thru the 20 minute workout in two weeks and ready to move on. I'm not sure why I stopped, I just did. Nothings really changed in the last year but my weight. I think I've put on another 5.
     Frankly i feel stuck, mired. I feel like there's a 500 lb gorilla sitting on my chest and i cant seem to get up the gumption to get going. You'd think with all the great stuff going on in life that I'd be tearing at the seams trying to get out in the world and make this happen, but alas I find myself asleep on the couch more often than not. I'm sure you can live with out the details, but I'll not spare you the drama.
     August 2007. It became increasingly more difficult to do my job on a daily basis. the pain in my neck and shoulder was getting worse, my hands were weak and terribly painful, my arms were going numb and i couldn't hold them over my head for more than a few seconds at a time. Now I've been feeling this since August of 2002 and i really didn't think much of it until it got really bad. I went and told my boss about it, and long story short, I'm smack dab in the middle of the biggest pain in the butt worker's comp insurance case i never wanted. What a hassle. I've still not received a lick of medical attention, I'm locked down on what i can and can't do and I'm still fat and in pain with a bunch of herniated discs and pinched nerves and what not.
     November 2007. They sent me home on indefinite leave because of my injury but after a month of rest and taking it easy, still no relief. 
     December 2007.  Since i wasn't working and i have no guarantee they'll ever let me come back, I made the jump to go work for myself. Its  a terrific gig. Its high stress, no breaks, physically and mentally exhausting, you know, all the things it was cracked up to be. 
     June 2008. So what now? What does any of this have to do with anything? I really can't answer that any more than I can answer why I can't seem to get my fat rump moving again. It was SO easy 8 years ago, but for some reason the whole thing just freezes me dead in my tracks. It's not that I don't have the tools, I do. I just feel mentally, spiritually and emotionally crippled. the mere thought of aggravating my neck makes me want to cry. I want so badly to regain the vim and vigor of my youth. I want my 160 lb body back. I want my 32 waist pants back. I want my 6 pack abs back. I need to pull it together but I'm having the most awful time digging the motivation out.
     YRG is sitting right there on the coffee table. My HRM is sitting right there. I've done it. It's easy and enjoyable.  It's a completely mental thing. I need to man-up is what i need to do. I have a beautiful wife to live for but my habits are going to send me to an early grave if I'm not careful. I can almost feel my cholesterol and blood pressure rising. 
     I lay there at night remembering what i used to look like, what it was like to be agile, active, energetic, playful and spry. Today I am frumpy, grumpy, sluggish, stiff, out of shape, fat, fat and fat. This is no way to live. I have to do something. I watch my wife get up at 5 in the AM to run off to the gym and then go to martial arts training in the evening. She watches her diet, even when we're out. I sleep in 'til the last minute, eat as I please when she's not watching, and lay down every opportunity I get. If you've ever lived in chronic pain I'm sure you understand but I can't let this thing take my life away. I need another epiphany. Or maybe I just need to man-up. It's hard getting past the headaches and the nagging pain but in the back of my mind I know that if I lose 50 lbs and get my system operating properly a lot of that will go away. I mean, how hard is it to just decide to take 20 minutes and crawl around on the floor for a while? Put on a good CD and get to it. I need to man up.
     I start strong and fizzle out. I've surrendered my mental toughness. My cutting edge has grown dull. I need to man-up. I need to make a decision. I need me back. Let's see how it goes this time. I mean if a guy on crutches and canes and braces can get it done then what's my lame excuse? I need to carve the mental path. The physical part is easy. Its 7 months to my 36th birthday.  50lbs in 7 months? Why not? I did it once. Maybe I just can't get past not lifting weights. Maybe my paradigms need realignment. Maybe I need to get off the keyboard and onto the floor. Maybe i need to stop making excuses and start making progress. Maybe i need to forsake some temporal pleasures in exchange for mortal longevity. i want to live a long life, just not in this condition.
     Life at 90 percent huh? let's see what I'm made of.