Thursday, December 29, 2022

Its always something...

 I started. I really did. And I did well. I was fully engaged, eating well, working out 5x/wk, dropping the pounds, gaining strength and mobility, feeling pretty darn good. Then, out of nowhere, my back just decided that I shouldn't be able to stand up on my own. I wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary, I wasn't lifting heavy things, I was just going about my day like normal when I felt it. If you've ever had that feeling you know. In an instant you just know that things are not going to go well from this moment forward. And they didn't. By the following day I could have just as soon stayed in bed. It took me roughly 15 minutes to roll out of bed and stand up straight, but even then I could barely walk without seizing up. It was pretty ugly, but I still had to get to the office. so for I week I did what I had to do to keep life moving forward, but I was unable to do what I had said I would do and that was work out. So, I started comfort eating to deal with the disappointment and frustration, and after a few weeks now, I'm pretty much recovered, but I lost all the ground I gained in the weeks I stayed committed.

Ok, so what's new. For the first time in a long time I'm not going to beat myself up over it. Its the holidays, its cold, I had a ton of stuff going on and I was running at an 18 hour a day pace. I was exhausted mentally and physically. Had I tried to force myself to do more, I would have probably just blown it all to hell anyway and wound up even more bent out of shape. So here we are. The new year will be here in a few days and along with it an opportunity to do the thing that I'm really good at talking about, but not so much staying committed to. Honestly, If it were just me, I probably wouldn't even be giving it a second thought. I'm honestly quite content just doing like i always have, but its not fair to my wife, my kids, my business, my ministry and everything else that depends on me in some way. I know that I know that there is a different kind of life on the other side of my bad habits and poor decisions. So what to do??

Well, I did something and I really, truly believe the time is now to commit to doing something different and better for myself and my family. I signed up for the DDPY 2023 Positively Unstoppable Challenge. 6 months of documented transformation for a shot at $250k and a trip to Atlanta. I am confident that I have all the tools to win that sucker, I just need to convince myself that I can, I will, and that its worth every bit of effort even if I don't win.

So here's to a healthy, happy new year.
God Bless.

Monday, October 10, 2022

Nothing to see here.

I mean, honestly you've seen it all before. Day one after day one, year after year. I really don't have words for how poor I feel. And I'm not just talking about my body, which hurts and feels as bad as I ever have, but mentally I'm just defeated. It's nobody's fault but mine, which is why I'm so down in the dumps. I'm looking at the part of my environment that I have some say over and I'm just overwhelmed with this huge feeling of disappointment. Now don't get me wrong, It's not all bad. I have every thing I need in the world, but i'm just kind of scraping by in all areas of my life. And It's all on me. I have been living in a years long commitment to bad decisions at every moment of every day, and this cycle has perpetuated itself for years and years and I'm living with the consequences of that today. As a result, I'm in a state of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual disrepair. I know what has to be done to pull out of this downward spiral, but I just haven't. Call it self sabotage, call it depression, call it whatever you want, that still doesn't excuse me from shoving all kinds of garbage in my face and not getting off my fat ass and doing something good for myself. I have no energy or desire to do anything with anyone, ever. I dread the thought of having to go anywhere and be around people and having to drag my fat ass around and try to pretend that I'm not going absolutely mad from the pain I'm experiencing. And I have to live with the fact that I've done this to myself. And to make matters worse, I have to live with the fact that I 100% hold the key to my freedom, but I just haven't pulled the trigger. It's like looking at a leaking pipe under the sink as it floods the kitchen. You know all you have to do it tighten up the coupler, you know how to do it and you have the wrench, but its just too mentally and physically demanding to walk over and do it. I've read the books, I've watched the videos, I've talked to the therapists, I've listened to the pods casts, I've done everything I think I should be doing to try and motivate myself to do something about it, but to no avail. The pain and depression really have a grip on me like they did all those years ago. I know what I had to do back then, and its the same thing I need to do right this very minute, But i'm just not sure I can. Feeling pretty defeated.

I really do try to keep a positive spin on things. In reality I am an eternal optimist. I know there's hope, but I'm not so sure when or if I'll take control of my situation. I've said I'm going to do something about it every Monday for as long as I can remember, but all for naught. Being 100% aware of everything that is going on that has me in the state I'm in is absolute torture. Knowing that I have all the power and all the tools to reverse this thing is frustrating beyond measure. I could stand in front of any group of people at any time and tell them step by step what they need to do to regain health and strength and mobility, but I just won't apply those principles to my own life. It's such a vicious cycle of defeat and depression, and this is NOT who I am, but it's who I've become. There is an alternate version, a much better version inside of me that is just screaming to get out, but he's locked up behind really, really bad habits, and an unwillingness to change. I have lost and missed out on so much because I've chosen bad habits over wellbeing. I have dug myself such a hole, and created so much more work for myself than necessary, and I'm looking at it and I know that the solution is actually quite simple, but at this point, I'm in so much pain that it absolutely dominates my head space and I spend almost all of my time focused on the pain or trying to escape from it and nothing that I'm doing is working, In fact, its just making me worse. This sucks. I'll be 50 in 30 days. I'm 80 lbs overweight. I hurt.

 So here I am. Could be another day one, or it could just be another day.