Monday, October 10, 2022

Nothing to see here.

I mean, honestly you've seen it all before. Day one after day one, year after year. I really don't have words for how poor I feel. And I'm not just talking about my body, which hurts and feels as bad as I ever have, but mentally I'm just defeated. It's nobody's fault but mine, which is why I'm so down in the dumps. I'm looking at the part of my environment that I have some say over and I'm just overwhelmed with this huge feeling of disappointment. Now don't get me wrong, It's not all bad. I have every thing I need in the world, but i'm just kind of scraping by in all areas of my life. And It's all on me. I have been living in a years long commitment to bad decisions at every moment of every day, and this cycle has perpetuated itself for years and years and I'm living with the consequences of that today. As a result, I'm in a state of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual disrepair. I know what has to be done to pull out of this downward spiral, but I just haven't. Call it self sabotage, call it depression, call it whatever you want, that still doesn't excuse me from shoving all kinds of garbage in my face and not getting off my fat ass and doing something good for myself. I have no energy or desire to do anything with anyone, ever. I dread the thought of having to go anywhere and be around people and having to drag my fat ass around and try to pretend that I'm not going absolutely mad from the pain I'm experiencing. And I have to live with the fact that I've done this to myself. And to make matters worse, I have to live with the fact that I 100% hold the key to my freedom, but I just haven't pulled the trigger. It's like looking at a leaking pipe under the sink as it floods the kitchen. You know all you have to do it tighten up the coupler, you know how to do it and you have the wrench, but its just too mentally and physically demanding to walk over and do it. I've read the books, I've watched the videos, I've talked to the therapists, I've listened to the pods casts, I've done everything I think I should be doing to try and motivate myself to do something about it, but to no avail. The pain and depression really have a grip on me like they did all those years ago. I know what I had to do back then, and its the same thing I need to do right this very minute, But i'm just not sure I can. Feeling pretty defeated.

I really do try to keep a positive spin on things. In reality I am an eternal optimist. I know there's hope, but I'm not so sure when or if I'll take control of my situation. I've said I'm going to do something about it every Monday for as long as I can remember, but all for naught. Being 100% aware of everything that is going on that has me in the state I'm in is absolute torture. Knowing that I have all the power and all the tools to reverse this thing is frustrating beyond measure. I could stand in front of any group of people at any time and tell them step by step what they need to do to regain health and strength and mobility, but I just won't apply those principles to my own life. It's such a vicious cycle of defeat and depression, and this is NOT who I am, but it's who I've become. There is an alternate version, a much better version inside of me that is just screaming to get out, but he's locked up behind really, really bad habits, and an unwillingness to change. I have lost and missed out on so much because I've chosen bad habits over wellbeing. I have dug myself such a hole, and created so much more work for myself than necessary, and I'm looking at it and I know that the solution is actually quite simple, but at this point, I'm in so much pain that it absolutely dominates my head space and I spend almost all of my time focused on the pain or trying to escape from it and nothing that I'm doing is working, In fact, its just making me worse. This sucks. I'll be 50 in 30 days. I'm 80 lbs overweight. I hurt.

 So here I am. Could be another day one, or it could just be another day.