Or maybe another way to ask it is where is rock bottom? I've always felt like rock bottom is some kind of inconceivably far off place. Like it's a place for people of really poor character that do really dumb stuff and just can't stop doing them no matter what. You know, people with no self control. You see, I have always managed to manage my poor habits. Well, maybe a better way to say it is I've always been able to get away with my nonsense up until now. There haven't been any, what I would call 'rock bottom' consequences.
I've spent my whole life speeding through life at a million miles an hour and I have never had a proper perspective of where I fit into my own life. I was so busy juggling all of the things that kept me busy that I never had the head space to recognize that I was doing all of it poorly. A bunch of the things I was caught up with have been stripped away, and to date, I have a whole lot more time to sit and look at my life and realize that I have pissed away a lot years. If I'm being dead honest with you, and with me, I should be so much further ahead in life. Not compared to what other people are doing or have accomplished, we're not playing the comparison game here. But when I consider what life should look like for me, I'm not there. I have very successfully avoided all of the signals and flares telling me that I'm slipping further and further from not just my potential, but from my responsibilities. I have self medicated with food and drink and social media to the point where I have been reduced to operating on pure gut instinct. Survival. Bare minimum. I can muster enough energy and concentration to get through my days and I can build up enough panic and dread and adrenaline to make stuff happen in a crisis situation, but I have nothing in the tank to move forward and start building the life I want.
Don't get me wrong. I have a terrific life. In fact, I have the life I never wanted, and I love every minute of it. I never had any intention of being married or having kids, let alone operating my dream business. Heck, I never imagined I'd live to see 30, and I was working diligently towards that end. Once 30 hit, my life took a dramatic turn for the better, and to this day, I don't know what to do with it.
I have been blessed by the Almighty. My wife has been my graciously loving partner for almost 21 years. My children are incredibly bright and talented and they light up my life. Since opening my business almost 18 years ago, there has never been a day when I didn't want to come to work. I am able to live in a house that suits my family just fine, in a nice neighborhood. I can afford to send my kids to a good private school. I have support from all angles. And for me that is enough. I don't want for more. I am completely satisfied. I am thankful for what I have. Unfortunately, gratitude isn't enough. Thankfulness isn't keeping up with the cost of living in Los Angeles. And I know it. It's not knowing what to do about it that is killing me. Not knowing what to do creates such a sense of anxiety and despondency that I feel like I'm going to be crushed under the weight of it. But I have found that food and drink and media are very, very good at soothing that discomfort while distracting me from the realities that lie just beyond the threshold. But I know what's up. I know I can't outrun it and I have to do something about it. This cycle has been going on for almost 30 years. If I don't do something about it now, I fear it might be too late, and the thought of it terrifies me.
They say that your physical exterior is a direct reflection of your personal interior. They are both a disaster, and it's all self induced.
256.9 lbs, ~50% body fat, blood pressure off the chart. I'm fat, fatigued, tired and weak. I am weary and I don't think clearly. I'm preoccupied all day with the struggle between seeking medication, guilt about it and caving in to it. I walk around in a haze, distracted and looking for distractions, just trying to get to the couch and the remote control. Anything to block out the reality that looms. It is going to catch up with me one day.
I think this is rock bottom.
It's time to take action.
Stay tuned.
