Hold the line.

 It's going to get tough out there. Temptations are going to come flying at you from places you never imagined. You will have thoughts you've never thought about things you never think about. You will be tested. You might even want to give in, but hold the line.

Motivation will wane. Willpower will fade, but your mind is the source of real power. Focus on resolve. Generate discipline. Become single minded in approaching your goals. Your station in life is the station you have chosen. If you want different, choose differently. Be conscientious and mindful of every thought and action. Be keenly aware of consequences. Wrestle with yourself. Subdue your flesh. Become the master of your own destiny. Do not allow for compromise. Make the decision. Hold the line.

Adjust your plans accordingly.

 When I was a kid, my dad told me, "Always have a plan, and always be ready to change your plan".

It's not always going to go the way you expected. Stuff comes up. Life happens. Sometimes you gotta stick and move, bob and weave. But if you keep your eyes on the prize and make the necessary adjustments, the doing part just works itself out. 

 Give what you got, take what you need.

If you're exhausted, rest. If you're hungry, eat. If you're restless, move. If you need solitude, find it. If you need company, enjoy it. Turn the TV off. Enjoy a book. Go outside. Call an old friend. Go for a drive. Put your feet in the sand. Put on music that stirs your soul. Find your center and pursue the things that are important. Identify the needle movers in your life and get after them. Focus, execute, celebrate.

Not everyday is going to be filled with mountain moving moments and that's OK. Some days it feels like you can conquer the world. Relish in it. No matter what kind of day you're having just remember that it's the sum of incremental advances that make for a successful journey. 

Progress, not perfection...

 I always thought that was just cliché way to excuse poor performance, but today I realized that when framed properly it is a very powerful tool. 

See, I'm really feeling all these years of neglect and abuse. I feel tired and weak. I could just tell myself that I am those things and that would be ample excuse to just not do anything. But instead, I got up early, turned on all the lights, unrolled my mat and did a workout. Did I give it 100%? No. But I did what was in my capacity to do, and that's something. I have been getting really frustrated with myself over the last couple of months. Monday rolls around and I start a workout routine and I'm faced with my limitation. These same workouts that I used to blast through were now presenting me with heretofore unrealized challenges. I didn't have the same 'stuff' that I had back when and it was discouraging. I got into some really weird headspace where I was becoming convinced that there was something permanently wrong with me. As if this newfound weakness and fatigue was my new normal. Maybe it was the result of a past medical intervention. Maybe it was something degenerative and I was stuck with it. Far be it from me to look in the mirror and recognize that it's because I've been sitting behind a desk all day for a year and a half, and spending the entirety of the rest of my time reclining on the couch, spacing out on YouTube. Maybe it's because I've been almost force-feeding myself every piece of comfort and junk food I could imagine as if it were the last thing I was going to eat ever. 

You just gotta get honest with yourself.

I weighed 155 right around the turn of the century. I steadily put on weight until I hit 220 in 2009. I pulled it back to 170 that year. I really don't remember how I got there but in 2018 I hit a record peak above 260. I managed to get that down to under 215. Now I 'm back to almost peak weight. I't not that I want to be an extra wide large body. It's just that it's just easier. What is it they say? Comfort killed the cat, or some such thing?  What ever it is, that's what it is. It's just easier to be fat. Well, for a while at least. Right up to the point where you can't tie your shoes without holding your breath. My shoes keep coming untied.

When your brain works the way mine does, it makes doing absolutely everything way more difficult than it needs to be. Doing the simplest things is an exercise in futility. And God forbid I can't do something to absolute perfection. Why bother at all? So I missed a work out or compromised on a meal? Well I guess that means I blew it all to hell and there's no point in continuing. Might as well just go all the way off the deep end until I can gather the headspace for another Monday. It's this unending cycle of frustration, disappointment, depression and self medication. I wish I could operate like "normal" people. I'm working on it. 

So for now, I'm doing everything I can to celebrate the small things. I got a work out in. I didn't eat take out junk food. OK, so maybe I gave in a little and snuck in an unauthorized snack. Big deal. It wasn't a Big Mac. Even as I'm sitting here typing this, as the aromas from the In N Out across the street are wafting through my office, and I'm thinking about nothing but hamburgers and burritos, I'm thinking about the last three days and just how much better it felt to have had a 25 minute workout and munched on some chicken and vegetables than to fell disgusted with my bloated self after a double western.

Tomorrow is 4th of July and we're hosting. People are bringing really super delicious food to share. And I'm gonna have some. And I'm not going to beat myself up about it and I'm not going to go off the rails because of it. I'm just going to keep doing one thing. and then another one thing until my days are filled with doing the things that are moving me closer to being whole. 

Nowhere to go from here but up.

 Coming to grips with reality can be a real kick in the chops. I have spent decades attempting to ignore the elephant in the room. To my credit, I've been rather successful at convincing myself that it's not there, but alas, at some point the big pile of elephant poop gets stacked so high you just can't ignore it. For a while at least, you can kind of get used to it, but once it gets right up to your nose it's like taking a whiff of smelling salts. All of a sudden every bit of self awareness comes springing to life in a whirligig of frenetic impulses. The mind races to gather its thoughts. There is a sudden calm in the midst of the chaos. Vision sharpens and focus intensifies. But what to do?

Something.

Do. Something.

So I did. I did something. I got up an hour early, worked out, read, prayed and meditated. Then I didn't eat any junk food. Then I went for a walk. That's what I did. It wasn't anything spectacular, but it was something. I didn't crush it, or kill it or smash it, I just did it. I did what I could. It wasn't a lot, but it was something. And then I got up today and did the same thing. Now granted, I did fell like I needed to lay back down for a little while meditating, so I did. No shame. Got up feeling refreshed and went to work and got on with my day. Haven't had any junk food all day. If I'm being honest, I still feel full from the food. I ate on Saturday and Sunday. I usually don't eat until later in the afternoon anyway and yesterday, even though I was still feeling full, I got a hunger sensation. I went and got some good food and ate it, but I was reminded that that hunger sensation was just my brain and body working on a schedule. I certainly did not need the food, but that unyielding urge to eat took over. Sure, it was healthy and nutritious, but I felt really crummy afterwards. But I was reminded of a very simple lesson about listening to my body. 

I've been kicking myself in the ass for quite some time now, but today, I'm patting myself on the back. I'm celebrating small victories. I'm building momentum. I'm not going to let small things completely derail me. I'm going to keep a positive attitude about all of this and try to keep my perspective framed appropriately for success. I've realize this isn't a race. There is no first to finish. The journey continues one step at a time. As long as I have another tomorrow, I have another opportunity. 

Can you hit rock bottom without hitting rock bottom?

 Or maybe another way to ask it is where is rock bottom? I've always felt like rock bottom is some kind of inconceivably far off place. Like it's a place for people of really poor character that do really dumb stuff and just can't stop doing them no matter what. You know, people with no self control. You see, I have always managed to manage my poor habits. Well, maybe a better way to say it is I've always been able to get away with my nonsense up until now. There haven't been any, what I would call 'rock bottom' consequences. 

I've spent my whole life speeding through life at a million miles an hour and I have never had a proper perspective of where I fit into my own life. I was so busy juggling all of the things that kept me busy that I never had the head space to recognize that I was doing all of it poorly. A bunch of the things I was caught up with have been stripped away, and to date, I have a whole lot more time to sit and look at my life and realize that I have pissed away a lot years. If I'm being dead honest with you, and with me, I should be so much further ahead in life. Not compared to what other people are doing or have accomplished, we're not playing the comparison game here. But when I consider what life should look like for me, I'm not there. I have very successfully avoided all of the signals and flares telling me that I'm slipping further and further from not just my potential, but from my responsibilities. I have self medicated with food and drink and social media to the point where I have been reduced to operating on pure gut instinct. Survival. Bare minimum. I can muster enough energy and concentration to get through my days and I can build up enough panic and dread and adrenaline to make stuff happen in a crisis situation, but I have nothing in the tank to move forward and start building the life I want.

Don't get me wrong. I have a terrific life. In fact, I have the life I never wanted, and I love every minute of it. I never had any intention of being married or having kids, let alone operating my dream business. Heck, I never imagined I'd live to see 30, and I was working diligently towards that end. Once 30 hit, my life took a dramatic turn for the better, and to this day, I don't know what to do with it. 

I have been blessed by the Almighty. My wife has been my graciously loving partner for almost 21 years. My children are incredibly bright and talented and they light up my life. Since opening my business almost 18 years ago, there has never been a day when I didn't want to come to work. I am able to live in a house that suits my family just fine, in a nice neighborhood. I can afford to send my kids to a good private school. I have support from all angles. And for me that is enough. I don't want for more. I am completely satisfied. I am thankful for what I have. Unfortunately, gratitude isn't enough. Thankfulness isn't keeping up with the cost of living in Los Angeles. And I know it. It's not knowing what to do about it that is killing me. Not knowing what to do creates such a sense of anxiety and despondency that I feel like I'm going to be crushed under the weight of it. But I have found that food and drink and media are very, very good at soothing that discomfort while distracting me from the realities that lie just beyond the threshold. But I know what's up. I know I can't outrun it and I have to do something about it. This cycle has been going on for almost 30 years. If I don't do something about it now, I fear it might be too late, and the thought of it terrifies me.

They say that your physical exterior is a direct reflection of your personal interior. They are both a disaster, and it's all self induced.

256.9 lbs, ~50% body fat, blood pressure off the chart. I'm fat, fatigued, tired and weak. I am weary and I don't think clearly. I'm preoccupied all day with the struggle between seeking medication, guilt about it and caving in to it. I walk around in a haze, distracted and looking for distractions, just trying to get to the couch and the remote control. Anything to block out the reality that looms. It is going to catch up with me one day.

I think this is rock bottom.

It's time to take action.  

Stay tuned.