Can you hit rock bottom without hitting rock bottom?

 Or maybe another way to ask it is where is rock bottom? I've always felt like rock bottom is some kind of inconceivably far off place. Like it's a place for people of really poor character that do really dumb stuff and just can't stop doing them no matter what. You know, people with no self control. You see, I have always managed to manage my poor habits. Well, maybe a better way to say it is I've always been able to get away with my nonsense up until now. There haven't been any, what I would call 'rock bottom' consequences. 

I've spent my whole life speeding through life at a million miles an hour and I have never had a proper perspective of where I fit into my own life. I was so busy juggling all of the things that kept me busy that I never had the head space to recognize that I was doing all of it poorly. A bunch of the things I was caught up with have been stripped away, and to date, I have a whole lot more time to sit and look at my life and realize that I have pissed away a lot years. If I'm being dead honest with you, and with me, I should be so much further ahead in life. Not compared to what other people are doing or have accomplished, we're not playing the comparison game here. But when I consider what life should look like for me, I'm not there. I have very successfully avoided all of the signals and flares telling me that I'm slipping further and further from not just my potential, but from my responsibilities. I have self medicated with food and drink and social media to the point where I have been reduced to operating on pure gut instinct. Survival. Bare minimum. I can muster enough energy and concentration to get through my days and I can build up enough panic and dread and adrenaline to make stuff happen in a crisis situation, but I have nothing in the tank to move forward and start building the life I want.

Don't get me wrong. I have a terrific life. In fact, I have the life I never wanted, and I love every minute of it. I never had any intention of being married or having kids, let alone operating my dream business. Heck, I never imagined I'd live to see 30, and I was working diligently towards that end. Once 30 hit, my life took a dramatic turn for the better, and to this day, I don't know what to do with it. 

I have been blessed by the Almighty. My wife has been my graciously loving partner for almost 21 years. My children are incredibly bright and talented and they light up my life. Since opening my business almost 18 years ago, there has never been a day when I didn't want to come to work. I am able to live in a house that suits my family just fine, in a nice neighborhood. I can afford to send my kids to a good private school. I have support from all angles. And for me that is enough. I don't want for more. I am completely satisfied. I am thankful for what I have. Unfortunately, gratitude isn't enough. Thankfulness isn't keeping up with the cost of living in Los Angeles. And I know it. It's not knowing what to do about it that is killing me. Not knowing what to do creates such a sense of anxiety and despondency that I feel like I'm going to be crushed under the weight of it. But I have found that food and drink and media are very, very good at soothing that discomfort while distracting me from the realities that lie just beyond the threshold. But I know what's up. I know I can't outrun it and I have to do something about it. This cycle has been going on for almost 30 years. If I don't do something about it now, I fear it might be too late, and the thought of it terrifies me.

They say that your physical exterior is a direct reflection of your personal interior. They are both a disaster, and it's all self induced.

256.9 lbs, ~50% body fat, blood pressure off the chart. I'm fat, fatigued, tired and weak. I am weary and I don't think clearly. I'm preoccupied all day with the struggle between seeking medication, guilt about it and caving in to it. I walk around in a haze, distracted and looking for distractions, just trying to get to the couch and the remote control. Anything to block out the reality that looms. It is going to catch up with me one day.

I think this is rock bottom.

It's time to take action.  

Stay tuned.

Its always something...

 I started. I really did. And I did well. I was fully engaged, eating well, working out 5x/wk, dropping the pounds, gaining strength and mobility, feeling pretty darn good. Then, out of nowhere, my back just decided that I shouldn't be able to stand up on my own. I wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary, I wasn't lifting heavy things, I was just going about my day like normal when I felt it. If you've ever had that feeling you know. In an instant you just know that things are not going to go well from this moment forward. And they didn't. By the following day I could have just as soon stayed in bed. It took me roughly 15 minutes to roll out of bed and stand up straight, but even then I could barely walk without seizing up. It was pretty ugly, but I still had to get to the office. so for I week I did what I had to do to keep life moving forward, but I was unable to do what I had said I would do and that was work out. So, I started comfort eating to deal with the disappointment and frustration, and after a few weeks now, I'm pretty much recovered, but I lost all the ground I gained in the weeks I stayed committed.

Ok, so what's new. For the first time in a long time I'm not going to beat myself up over it. Its the holidays, its cold, I had a ton of stuff going on and I was running at an 18 hour a day pace. I was exhausted mentally and physically. Had I tried to force myself to do more, I would have probably just blown it all to hell anyway and wound up even more bent out of shape. So here we are. The new year will be here in a few days and along with it an opportunity to do the thing that I'm really good at talking about, but not so much staying committed to. Honestly, If it were just me, I probably wouldn't even be giving it a second thought. I'm honestly quite content just doing like i always have, but its not fair to my wife, my kids, my business, my ministry and everything else that depends on me in some way. I know that I know that there is a different kind of life on the other side of my bad habits and poor decisions. So what to do??

Well, I did something and I really, truly believe the time is now to commit to doing something different and better for myself and my family. I signed up for the DDPY 2023 Positively Unstoppable Challenge. 6 months of documented transformation for a shot at $250k and a trip to Atlanta. I am confident that I have all the tools to win that sucker, I just need to convince myself that I can, I will, and that its worth every bit of effort even if I don't win.

So here's to a healthy, happy new year.
God Bless.

Nothing to see here.

I mean, honestly you've seen it all before. Day one after day one, year after year. I really don't have words for how poor I feel. And I'm not just talking about my body, which hurts and feels as bad as I ever have, but mentally I'm just defeated. It's nobody's fault but mine, which is why I'm so down in the dumps. I'm looking at the part of my environment that I have some say over and I'm just overwhelmed with this huge feeling of disappointment. Now don't get me wrong, It's not all bad. I have every thing I need in the world, but i'm just kind of scraping by in all areas of my life. And It's all on me. I have been living in a years long commitment to bad decisions at every moment of every day, and this cycle has perpetuated itself for years and years and I'm living with the consequences of that today. As a result, I'm in a state of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual disrepair. I know what has to be done to pull out of this downward spiral, but I just haven't. Call it self sabotage, call it depression, call it whatever you want, that still doesn't excuse me from shoving all kinds of garbage in my face and not getting off my fat ass and doing something good for myself. I have no energy or desire to do anything with anyone, ever. I dread the thought of having to go anywhere and be around people and having to drag my fat ass around and try to pretend that I'm not going absolutely mad from the pain I'm experiencing. And I have to live with the fact that I've done this to myself. And to make matters worse, I have to live with the fact that I 100% hold the key to my freedom, but I just haven't pulled the trigger. It's like looking at a leaking pipe under the sink as it floods the kitchen. You know all you have to do it tighten up the coupler, you know how to do it and you have the wrench, but its just too mentally and physically demanding to walk over and do it. I've read the books, I've watched the videos, I've talked to the therapists, I've listened to the pods casts, I've done everything I think I should be doing to try and motivate myself to do something about it, but to no avail. The pain and depression really have a grip on me like they did all those years ago. I know what I had to do back then, and its the same thing I need to do right this very minute, But i'm just not sure I can. Feeling pretty defeated.

I really do try to keep a positive spin on things. In reality I am an eternal optimist. I know there's hope, but I'm not so sure when or if I'll take control of my situation. I've said I'm going to do something about it every Monday for as long as I can remember, but all for naught. Being 100% aware of everything that is going on that has me in the state I'm in is absolute torture. Knowing that I have all the power and all the tools to reverse this thing is frustrating beyond measure. I could stand in front of any group of people at any time and tell them step by step what they need to do to regain health and strength and mobility, but I just won't apply those principles to my own life. It's such a vicious cycle of defeat and depression, and this is NOT who I am, but it's who I've become. There is an alternate version, a much better version inside of me that is just screaming to get out, but he's locked up behind really, really bad habits, and an unwillingness to change. I have lost and missed out on so much because I've chosen bad habits over wellbeing. I have dug myself such a hole, and created so much more work for myself than necessary, and I'm looking at it and I know that the solution is actually quite simple, but at this point, I'm in so much pain that it absolutely dominates my head space and I spend almost all of my time focused on the pain or trying to escape from it and nothing that I'm doing is working, In fact, its just making me worse. This sucks. I'll be 50 in 30 days. I'm 80 lbs overweight. I hurt.

 So here I am. Could be another day one, or it could just be another day. 

Its Getting Hard to Keep Track of All These Week Ones.

 Week 1 Check In.

Start Weight 232.1

Goal Weight 155

Week 1 Weigh In 221.7

Net Loss 10.5 Lbs

Workouts 03/29-04/05

M - Energy 2.0

T - Fat Burner 2.0

W - Energy 2.0

TH - Energy 2.0

F - Below The Belt

S - Fat Burner 2.0

Nutrition - Keto/IF Pretty proud of myself. Now granted, this isn't the first time I've l've done this. In fact, I've done this off and on since 2007, when I bought YRG as a print copy. Back in '09 After I bought the YRG DVDs, I dropped 50 Lbs in 5 months from 220 - 170, but not too long after I jumped off the deep end and went back to all my old habits. in 2018 I peaked at 270 Lbs. I dropped 50 and have been waffling back between 220 and 235 since then. Its crazy. I can do week 1 with my eyes closed. But its carrying it out past that where the problem lies. I usually find myself compromising a little here and there until the compromise overpowers the will to be and do better. No big deal, right? I got this. I can just start over again on Monday, or the Monday after that or....

Truthfully since '09 I never really wanted to do it, I just did it to keep my wife quiet. But she's not dumb and she knows what's up. She would call me out on the regular and I could only bluff her so much. And that went on and on and on for years. So here we are today.

I know how to get results. I also know me. I'm not really sure what exactly shifted to get my ass in gear, but i'm sure it will come to me in the weeks to come. In the mean time, I just gotta keep getting after it. One week down 26 to go. I've only ever really done 90 day challenges so for a guy who usually cant wait to go out and blow it all when the challenge ends, 6 months is a way off, But I'm encouraged by week 1 results. I put together a plan and I stuck with it. I feel better about myself, and for the first time in a LOOOOOONG time, I have a bright outlook for the future. I can already picture myself at 155 in size 32 pants and a medium shirt, which I haven't fit into since about the turn of the century. But don't think for a minute that I don't still have some of them old clothes sitting in wait for that day. Actually, I kept all my skinnier and fatter clothes because I knew one day I'd eventually get my crap together and I didn't want to have to buy transitional clothes that would soon enough be too big. Its easy when your wardrobe has consisted of t-shirts, dickies and plaid button downs for as long as I can remember. I remember what it felt like to do a closet raid and throw out all my 2XL stuff and 40-42" pants, and I'm looking forward to pitching my XL shirts and 38" pants within a month. Hot diggity this man is on fire! I haven't had any time to post my day 1 pics, but I will. I hate working from my phone so I need to get out in my home office and get everything straight. Anyhow Friends, Keep on Keepin' On!! Get Some!!

Positively Unthinkable 2021.

 New Year's Resolution in May? Why not? It's like breakfast for dinner. And who doesn't like pancakes before bed? I pulled a pretty typical me this year. Got off to a great start and then fizzled out before I got any real traction. I'm not going to lie and say that this year has been perfect so far, but still, no excuses for petering out so quickly. I think I just tried stacking too many things and just got overwhelmed. I got all heavy into goal setting and that turned into trying to stuff all kinds of stuff into those bags to make myself feel like I was actually working towards something. I way overcomplicated the whole deal and I fell apart. I really just kind of checked out. The time off has been good in a bad way. I was all gung-ho, then I got all defeated. I left all of my materials out in plain sight but was completely lacking motivation. Then my mother in law was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. This is taking a real toll on my beloved wifey, so I'm carrying a little heavier load while I'm trying to keep my house and family running. When I'm in a good groove and I've got good rhythm, I can go, go, go. But I've pretty much turned to food as a coping mechanism, and we all know how that goes.

January 2018 I had hit my peak weight of 270 Lbs. That's up 100 Lbs. from October 2009. I got down to about 220 in 2018 and have been waffling back and forth between 220 and 235 since then. So that's where I am today. 232 Lbs., stress eating, living off of sugar, refined carbs, caffeine, adrenaline and cortisol. 

This cancer diagnosis has the family all shook. Not to be the pot calling the kettle black, but their diet is not one that lends to health and longevity. They all know that despite my corpulent exterior, I know a thing a thing or two about nutrition, health, weight loss and well being. They've seen me drop 50 on multiple occasions, but I've always picked it back up plus more. So now I'm in charge of trying to educate everyone about the importance of Keto, intermittent fasting, whole food, raw plant based, alkaline and all that other good cancer beating stuff. So i'm up until 1AM or later on a nightly trying to keep things running, rolling out of bed just in time to get the kids to school, then off to work, then back to get the kids and take them home until their mom gets off, then back to work, then home. Then my wife takes off for the gym, then its feed the kids, get baths.... you get the picture. 

This is not working.

I don't know what it is about us as people that makes us do really stupid, self destructive stuff.  I'd really like to have a better understanding. I'd really like to know why I do really stupid, self destructive stuff, But I don't have time for study and therapy and introspection. I'm to busy plotting world domination for such trifle things. I have two choices. Take the journey of discovery and take the steps to reprogram my mind and then act in accordance with my newfound self image, or just charge it like a bull and do what I know works. At this point, all I need to do is lead. I cant lead if I'm falling behind in my personal life. I have a lot riding on this trip to the rodeo. My health, my marriage, my relationship with my boys, my business, my ministry to name a few.

Time to get working.

I know that DDPY is the one thing I can do consistently and effectively. It just flat works and I feel better for it. I've tried to get the ball rolling countless times over the last 11+ years. Go back and read it for yourself. I just could never find the motivation, inspiration or whatever people need to get some momentum. 

It's strange. There are times you just know that heaven is talking to you. This is one of those times. I was sitting in my truck waiting for a curbside order to be delivered, and i'm looking at a social media site and here's the DDPY Positively Unstoppable Challenge 2021. without even investigating, I kind of rolled my eyes in my mind, like yeah, right. But i paused and opened the promo cut and the long video and I remembered the first time I saw the Arthur video, and how it made me feel back then. And what an impact that feeling had on my life when I acted on it, and I remembered how my life changed because I acted with conviction and consistency. And I remembered that that guy is still inside of me just waiting to be let out. I just kept going back to the page all afternoon and then sitting at my in-laws place, I opened the sign up page a number of times while I fought with that voice in my head telling me that I don't have time, I don't have the energy, I don't have the will power and that I could never break up with Ben and Jerry. So I signed up. 

Its amazing how many thoughts you can have in a split second. What have I done? Did I just commit to something? No, I didn't. I just filled out some form on the internet. It doesn't mean anything. Wait, I did make a commitment. A commitment to my family, my business, my ministry, and everyone who depends on me, but most importantly to the one person I've been neglecting for all these years. Me. Then I spent a couple of hours muddling over whether to keep on trying to use the DVDs and my frustratingly difficult to use DVD player, or pay for a subscription to an app that has my DVDs on it or go all in and subscribe to the full blown deal. Next thing you know I'm signing up. What have I done? I can always decline after the free trial right? NO! You're going to pay and you're going to do this. You know what that means right? Now you have to order a bluetooth heart checker thingy. Go on. Commit sucker. COMMIT!!! So I did. Then like a message from above, my buddy made some hats that said Strive 4 Glory. I bought one. That's my mantra this go around.

SO i've been spending all my free time reviewing, watching and reading all the things that helped my be successful in the past, and it's crazy how the feelings that I had back then were welling up. I started feeling like I did when I was all hardcore about this stuff. I feel like I can do this. I will do this. Ican't wait to do this. Let's do this! 

So it's Friday. Day one is on Monday. 6 months. Goal weight 155 Lbs. Stay tuned.

Focus on the Victories

Every morning seems be some kind of challenge. I live in an 18 hour home. Getting to bed at night is often the biggest challenge of the day. So i'll usually go noo-noos around 12 or 12:30. Then my son usually wakes me up at either 3:00 or 5:00 for a bottle. Either way I always wake up in the chair with him at 7 with an aching neck. I put him down and grab a 30 minute snooze. Which I really shouldn't do, but whatever. So I get up with just enough time to get my workout in, get the kids ready and off work. Well, today my body decided to interrupt me right at about the 8 minute mark of my workout. I'll not get into details, but as I was sitting there, all I could think was "I should have just stayed up at 7". I tell myself that EVERY morning, and still haven't done it. My bad. So now I'm running out of time and I'm having a huge crisis. THEN when I get back to my mat, I hit the wrong button on the remote and stopped the dvd. Then I hit the wrong menu item and started the wrong workout. Then when I started the right one (Energy) I found out the my player does not have a real fast fast forward. So all of this is just eating time. I'm watching the clock and I can clearly see that i'm running out of time. Then my mind started getting all logical on me. "You're already running late, might as well just quit now and do it later." Its amazing how many thoughts you can have in just a few seconds, and how many times you can use the word then in consecutive sentences.

It was decision time. I have learned that if I give in to those kind of impulses, its starts a chain reaction which never winds up ending well. So I just doubled down and decided that there is something else I can sacrifice to get that 5 or 7 minutes accomplished on the floor of my living room.

For me, anyhow, when I'm able to make those kind of decisions, something switches on in me and I go into overdrive. I find myself pushing even harder to overcome the feelings of discouragement and defeat. So today I made up my mind that I was going to do ALL of the 3 count pushups. And you know what. I did! Monday I was struggling with doing 2 and today I did them all. I pushed my big, fat carcass off the mat with everything I had in me and when I stood up and my arms felt like jello and I was all lightheaded, I was as proud and victorious as I've been in a long, long time.

I'm working real hard to stay on track even if i'm not 100% on plan. I have something of an extremist mentality, that if I can't do something 100% I shouldn't do it at all. That developed at a time when I had far fewer responsibilities, obligations and distractions and I could be captain hardcore. Today I have to be more fluid and flexible. I can't compromise the mission, but I can recalibrate and make adjustments. Instead of focusing on what didn't go 100% right and getting all discouraged, I'll focus on what I accomplished and celebrate a series of victories.

Everyyyyyy Body Huuuuurrrts... Sometimes.

I'm not in the habit of quoting Michael Stipe, and yes, it's out of context, but its my article so I'll write it as I please, thank you very much.

But seriously though. I woke up today and I had the good ol' sore body syndrome. I was sitting there feeding my 5 month old son and my mind went to war with me. "You're sore, listen to your body, take a day off, recuperate and come back stronger." And for a brief moment, I almost bought into it. But then I started to think about our Military and what the guys go through in boot camp. They don't get a day off to recover and pamper themselves. They don't get a soft shoulder to cry on when their feet hurt and they can't lift their arms over their heads. NO, they work just as hard and even harder every day to become physically capable specimens of awesomeness. So, yeah. I'm not taking days off because I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable. I know that pushing through will give me not only great physical benefit, but also continue to develop the mental toughness required to power through all of the other things that come my way.

Now that's not to say that I don't occasionally take a day off. Sundays are probably one of the busiest days of my week and its the day I spend focusing on making sure i'm ready for the six days that follow. For me, it helps to take that day off (from exercise) to recalibrate and focus on the game plan for the next week. I do a little bio-feedback and evaluate where i'm at physically and adjust the challenge level to push my limits just a little bit more. Small gains add up to huge accomplishments.

The old saying "No pain, no gain" really is true. There is no growth without discomfort, or in my case no shrinkage of my freaking fat gut. Did I mention what a horrible fat ass I've become?

My weight has always fluctuated. I was a "husky" kid. Any idea how embarrassing it was to go shopping in the "husky" section at Sears? I wasn't a fat kid, but I wasn't real trim either. I hated stick and ball sports but I played on a few school teams. Then I got a killer bike and some freedom and the nI got a skateboard and it was ON! I put myself through SOOOO much pain trying to be a bad ass skater. I was always hurt: ankles, knees, wrists, cuts, scrapes, scabs and scars. I worked through the pain because it was important to me. Granted, at age 44 I'm paying the price to some degree, but looking back I remember that never say die attitude.

Once depression kicked in, and the hurt was more the kind that Michael Stipe caterwauls about, I lost the will to fight. It hurt too much. Drinking sure seemed to help so I did lots of it. I also developed a ton of other really, really bad habits, many of which I've been battling to this day. something shifted  and I was hopelessly lost. I had ballooned up and got all bloated and gross looking which didn't help  the way I felt about myself. And I hurt. Everybody hurts, right? That's what the song says. That's why bars are full at all hours of the day. That's why liquor is an unbeatable industry. That's why people eat themselves into morbid obesity trying to medicate the hurt and emptiness. Hyper-palletable foods are just as much a drug as anything being sold by your shady neighbor with a mullet down the street. Its like cocaine. Seriously. no wonder people are hooked. I was. I mean I was literally physically addicted to food items. I'm detoxing right now as I type this. But by the Grace of God, I'm on this side of it. I know, I know, isn't this like the 3rd (more like the 30th) time ''ve "seen the light"? Yes it is. But i'm not going to let my past dictate my future. I'm not going to allow a little discomfort derail me.

On that note, as far as this venture into the depths goes, I got in a little motorbike accident about 6 or 7 years ago. I landed on a brick planter with my arm which caused my elbow to break a few ribs and puncture a lung and at the same time my head hit the tree that was planted in said planter, highly aggravating an existing injury to my neck. At that point MY BODY HURT. I couldn't physically do the work. Every time I would get a routine going , my elbow or neck or wrist would flare up and it would HURT. I'm not talking muscle soreness or discomfort, but my body literally telling me "STOP STUPID!".  So I did. Discouraged, hurting, disappointed. But that crummy food sure made me feel better. And I've been eating lots and lots of it for years now.

At some point however, I just got (insert cliche phrase here) sick and tired of being sick and tired. Well, really I just got sick of being in pain which was the root of all of my other maladies. I wanted to eat right and exercise, but because of my faulty wiring I have an exceedingly difficult time doing one without the other. So I found some things that have really helped me along the way. For personal reasons I simply will not take pharmaceutical pain relievers or muscle relaxers or any of that kind of stuff. As a result, I've suffered. A new dietary experiment and some miraculous nutritional supplements have really helped with the physical pain, anxiety, and depression. It was the break in the clouds I needed. When I stared doing DDPY again about a month ago as part of a half hearted effort to make my wife think I was getting serious about my health, I realized that much of the pain and discomfort had healed enough that I could get through my workouts and not feel damaged afterwards. What a moment!

So here we are. Day 4. My body is aching but my spirit is filled with a sense of conquest and domination. But mostly I want my wife to think I'm smoking hot and want to get in my pants.